Is it normal to be too busy for sex?

I often tell my husband that I’m too busy for sex. We have two young children and my work takes up a lot of time. I’m sure I still love him, but our sex life takes a back seat. Is it bad that it’s way down in our priority list or is it normal?

It’s not uncommon for a mother of two young children to feel this way. Although the dial has shifted a bit in recent years, countless studies show that mothers, whether working or not, do most of the childcare and household chores. Of course, that’s not the case in all relationships, but if your constant busyness is partly about doing most of the work, it’s no surprise that you have so little desire to have sexual relations.

Unless a couple is able to work through these issues when deciding to have children, what often happens is that women take overall responsibility for the children, men are marginalized and resentment lurks. that this causes can infiltrate all aspects of the couple’s relationship. This kind of resentment causes a couple to become increasingly distant and inevitably results in less sex.

You can blame fatigue and having too much to do, but is that really it? Could it be that you actually feel misunderstood? He may feel rejected. It is extremely difficult to express these feelings in a way that the other person can hear. Because the general consensus is that it’s normal for things to be a little awkward when raising young children, most couples who find themselves in this situation do nothing. And that’s really normal.

In 2019, James McNulty, Jessica Maxwell, and Andrea Meltzer from Florida State University, and famed Roy Baumeister from the University of Queensland, published the results of a study that looked at changes in sexual desire during and after marriage. childbirth. They demonstrated that women’s desire decreased more sharply over time than men’s (which did not decrease at all), and that childbirth greatly exacerbated the difference.

Just because something is normal doesn’t make it good, though. The study found that lower women’s sexual desire predicted lower marital satisfaction for both partners, and the effects were maintained when controlling for contributing factors such as depression and stress, including the stress of parenthood. So don’t let this become the status quo.

There are lots of things you can do to try to resuscitate your sexual relationship – dating, hotel stays, vacations – but the most important thing you can do is talk to yourself. There is a clear link between communication and intimacy. Although you and your husband are at the stage where you know things aren’t quite right but probably don’t think anything is terribly wrong, I urge you to take action now.

If you can’t talk to yourself, talk to a counselor. If you and your husband can learn to do this now, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache later.

Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com

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